Saturday, 7 May 2016

A Bad Day

I try to live a life in which my mental health doesn't define me, but sometimes with anxiety that is not the case and today is just one of those bad days. 

I love who i am, i love the beautiful people i have surrounding me and i love the earth. Sometimes though, my brain cannot deal with it; and whether that means being physically unable to leave the house, or sleeping all day, i just have to give in. That's the thing with my anxiety, it's paralysing and random, and that can be hard.

I'm learning that it's okay to have a bad day, in fact its normal to have a bad day.

I think it's important to share this part of my life, whether 1 or 100 people read this post. I don't plan to portray a perfect fulfilling life because its not the truth, and i doubt its the truth for anyone. I have days where i'm terrified of getting out of bed, not knowing whether i'll have a panic attack or breakdown. Equally i have days when i leap out of bed ready to face the day in all its glory. Wanting to be in control when you live with anxiety is just not possible.

I'd love it if i had a off switch, that said something like "mauricia, you're being silly" but often i don't know if i'm being stupid and irrational, and worst of all when i do know i still can't shut it off. Sometimes i imagine my brain and body fighting against each other, like "oh, i know you REALLY wanted to do that thing today, but actually..... nah." 

Accepting that some days you can't do things is tough, it really is. The reality is missing out on college, work, friends birthdays, more college and important events. The reality is, yoga, meditation, walks and things that used to make me feel so happy have now become things that cause a pit of anxiety in my stomach. 

I'm learning to get through every day, and it really is a case of getting through each day. I don't know how i'll cope at uni, and i don't know how i'll cope next week, but i'm not worried. I'll find a way.






(LONDON AND THE V&A)

Mauricia Xxx

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